Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
