I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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