he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I still have a little drunk in my system
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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