Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
