No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
