I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
