there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
The best revenge is premature balding
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
