god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Randomize
