How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
NoShamevember. You game?
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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