There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
