So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize