chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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