I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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