your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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