I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
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I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
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I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
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