I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
