life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
