Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
