The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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