Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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