My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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