my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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