woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
MIDGETS
????
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
