I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
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