why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
