My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
the condom got lost in my hair
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
