he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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