gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
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