I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Randomize
