these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
