I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Randomize
