mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Randomize
