so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Randomize
