i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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