Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
