Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
