God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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