I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
