Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Randomize
