Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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