who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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