I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
