I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
