Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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