How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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