Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?