you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
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Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
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