i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
