i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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