Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Randomize
