Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
