Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
