I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
