Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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