I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize