how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
